When Authors Run Rampent
by MoshPit
Summary: This is so stupid; I honestly have no idea why I did it. Still, I'm new, so humor me.


When authors run rampant.

Quaxo'

Somewhere, deep in the woods, far, far away from any traces of sanity, there lies a cave. Not just any cave. This is the cave of a crazed author. But hey, that could be any one of them couldn't it? 

Now we authors, we like to have fun. But this author, she was dead bored. So bored, she almost considered mingling with sane people, but realized that they wouldn't be capable of intelligent conversation. Then she remembered that she was an all-powerful author, and had possession of the "All Powerful Author Powers ™", and decided to have a little fun. Here is what she did…

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Munkustrap sat with Demeter on their favorite make-out spot, the hood of the old moving machine called a "Ford". Demeter stared into her lover's eyes and got that "Wow, I can't believe I'm going to spend the rest of my years with the tom that saved my life and looks like Leo DiCaprio if he were a cat" look.

(A/N: I despise Leonardo DiCaprio)

Munkustrap stared right back at her with one thought in his mind: "**I wonder what bellybutton lint tastes like?"**

"What?"

"Oh…did I say that out loud?" Demeter edged away as Munkustrap began braiding his tail fur while screaming the lyrics of his favorite song at the top of his lungs.

__

Comet! It makes your mouth turn green!

Comet! It tastes like Listerine!

Comet will make you vomit!

So let's drink Comet and vomit today!

Demeter buried her head in her paws.

"Toms."

* * *

Munkustrap, who desperately wanted to sing about Armour Hotdogs, looked blankly at Demeter, who still had her head under her paws. Suddenly, the light bulb clicked on.

"I get it! Hide and Seek!" he screamed insanely, and ran off to find a hiding spot.

* * *

When Demeter finally did open her eyes, the bellybutton freak had left. She sighed, and wondered how on earth she could manage to fall in love with somecat who wanted to eat bellybutton lint. She lay down, and fell into a deep half-sleep.

* * *

Demeter was awakened by a skinny paw shaking her roughly. Her eyes flew open.

"Augh! I'm being attacked by two giant potatoes!" A closer look told her that she was not being attacked by giant potatoes, but to butt-ugly, bald cats clothed in potato sacks. The nasty looking skinny one that had rudely woken spoke first.

"Dearest Demeter, before we take our leave, we must ask you for your forgiveness for all the wrong doings we have done in our life." Demeter did a double take, then realized that this ugly, ugly "cat" she was talking to was the Rum Tum Tugger. He had successfully shaved his entire head, but had failed to remove all of his mane, causing patches of fur to stick out in odd places. The other bald cat with him was none other that…

"Bombalurina! WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!!!" 

The once red queen smiled sweetly. "Dear sister, Tugsy and I have seen the error of our ways. We have opened up to the light!" 

"Well that's all fine and dandy, but that still doesn't explain why you two are dressed up as bald potatoes." 

"Why sister, isn't it obvious? Tugsy and I are off to Tibet to join the convent." Demeter's eyes opened wide.

"Convent? But that's for queens! And Tugger's a… oh my dear Everlasting Cat." Tugger nodded, then spoke, his/her voice an octave higher.

"Yes Demeter, it's true: I really am a queen. My real name is Rosie Toesie Tugsy. My whole life I've been living the life my father wanted, being the "son" he desired. Then, when he chose Munkustrap (Demeter shuddered) instead of me for the next Jellicle leader, I decided to show my true colors. No more charades for me! I am the Rosie Toesie Tugsy once again. All I need is your forgiveness for deceiving you all your life and I will be able to live my life in peace.

"And I shall forever be at your side Tugsy!" Bombalurina added dramatically. 

"Uh…sure, yah, whatever, it's all good. I just have one question. Rosie, when you were making all those queens swoon, you were just acting, right?" Demeter asked hopefully. Tugsy only grinned slyly.

Demeter's stomach lurched as she thought of her childhood years wanting nothing more than to marry the "Rum Tum Tugger." 

"EEEEEEEEEWWW!!! EwewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewEW!" The shaven couple walked away, leaving Demeter flinching every time she thought of the "Rum Tum Tugger". 

"I…**AM**…**_BATMAN!!!_**" Demeter looked up to see Munkustrap leap off the top of a junk pile, covered with a black plastic trash bag, obviously high on something he smelled while he was "hiding". Then she remembered that this was the tom that wondered what bellybutton lint tasted like. She got up and went to find Old Duetoronomy to see if he could find someone a little saner to be the Jellicle leader.

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What's that? You have to go? Oh very well, but you had better come back and find out what happens next, ya hear? All right, I'll let you go. I'll just stay here and clean my little cave here in the middle of the woods… 

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A/N: And **that**, boys and girls, was my very first finished piece of Cats fanfiction (I just haven't had the nerve to send it in until now). Yes, I am fully aware that it sucks peach pits and probably wouldn't entertain a seven-year-old that thinks the word "poop" is funny, but eh, s'my fic an' if you don' like it, tough bananas. 


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